Humorous Quotes

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.  -Unknown

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.  -Groucho Marx

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  -Fred Allen

You can't have everything... where would you put it?  -Steven Wright

Who says nothing is impossible.  I've been doing nothing for years.  -Unknown

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.  -Robert McCloskey

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.  -Oscar Wilde

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.  -George Burns

I can resist everything except temptation.  -Oscar Wilde

The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent.  -Unknown

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?  -Nipsey Russel

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?  -Unknown

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.  -Ashleigh Brilliant

Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid.  -Phil Pastoret

School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone.  -Ashley Salvati